Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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