So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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