he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Randomize
