i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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