Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
