i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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