i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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