i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
