wanna go halves on a baby?
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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