Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Randomize
