Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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