if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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