Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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