I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
