what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
