Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
