Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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