and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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