Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
