she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Randomize
