how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
