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this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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