So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Holy shit dude........stairs
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
