Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
