thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
