Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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