so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
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