a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
