My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
