I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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