so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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