actually, I'm a sock model
Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
