so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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