I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Randomize
