She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
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