Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Randomize
