dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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