Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
