I wanna passion pit in your ass
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
