Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
