Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
