I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
