The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
