I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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