He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Randomize
