he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Randomize
