I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
