I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
