i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
