Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
