I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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