That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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