textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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