Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Randomize
