Redeem this text for a blowjob
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
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