Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
