On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
you didnt know i had herpes?
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I need moral support for this bender
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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